Well, I hate to be the one to say this, but New Yorkers can't walk worth a damn. And I'm not just ranting and raving. I have a little evidence to support my claim. You see, there's an unspoken rule about navigating our urban roadways. It's goes something like this: Drive on the right. Pass on the left. Sound familiar? That's because you learned it a long time ago in Driver's Ed.
In New York, and Astoria specifically, this rule does not apply. In fact, I don't think there are any rules. It reminds me of what driving must have been like in 1910—a time when there were no road signs, no traffic lights, and no yellow lines on the road. Complete and utter chaos.
I've tried to understand why this is, but so far the only conclusions I can come to are:
1) Queens is considered one of most diverse areas in the United States, with no less than 138 languages being spoken throughout the borough. That's a lot of different driving cultures in one place, all operating independently of one another.
2) Most people in Queens don't own a car. They travel by subway or bus, which means they hardly ever drive. And since they hardly ever drive, they have no understanding of the even the most basic traffic laws.
3) People are just retarded.
As the years go by, I'm starting to latch onto number three. But that doesn't really help anyone. So, after careful observation, I've put together a list of five of the most common offenders. Not only will it make spotting and avoiding their erratic driving habits easier, it's a cathartic experience that allows me vent my frustrations without having to beat the shit out of many otherwise innocent New Yorkers.
The Sidewinders
The shortest distance between A and B is a straight line. Has been for thousands of years. Now if only someone would tell these assholes. They move down the sidewalk like slithering snakes, outwitting your every attempt to pass them by. You go left, they go left. You go right, they go right. Then left again. Getting around these living obstacles requires speed, dexterity, and an acute awareness of your surroundings. Think Richard Gere in First Knight, timing his mad dash through the gauntlet to snag a kiss from that bitch Lady Guinevere. It's not easy, but it can be done.
The Wall Huggers
You can see them coming a mile way, fighting their way through oncoming traffic. With one side of their body pressed up against the wall, they inch their way through the crowd by riding the shoulder. It's a bold move, but a dangerous one. One theory is that many Wall Huggers are from Europe, where driving on the opposite side of the road is normal. I don't know if I buy that. And even if I did, I suggest you get back in the left lane. Unless, of course, you get a kick out of head-on collisions.
The Blind Sides
No one rounds a corner better. Actually, it's more of a 90-degree turn—right into your face. It kind of reminds me of the light cycle sequence in Tron, only it's no longer 1982 and no one's wearing glow-in-the-dark pajamas. Still, if I could take these fuckers into The Maze and put them out of their misery, I would. As for avoiding them, my only advice is to give them a wide berth.
The Window Shoppers
Now technically, this next group isn't native to just New York. However, with so many storefronts and sales to distract the eye, it's not surprising to find a huge population here. They're the ones who stop dead in their tracks, right in the middle of the traffic. Meanwhile, the rest of us are dodging and darting to avoid an inevitable eighteen-person pileup. Only after the wreckage has cleared do we notice the cause of the accident—Foot Locker is having a 20 percent off sale on tube socks. Great.
The Reservoir Dogs
Standing five, six, or seven abreast, these groups of cinematic wannabes stretch themselves out across the sidewalk, making it virtually impossible for anyone else to get buy. The effect is only compounded by stay-at-home moms pushing an army of strollers. Hey, I'm a Tarantino fan as much as the next guy, but unless you're dressed to the nines and rocking out to the George Baker Selection, get the hell out of my way.
Happy driving everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment