Honey, You Got Some Shit in Your Eye

It's nice when friends look out for you. Sometimes they'll let you know you've got a "little something on your face", most likely a dab of mayo from that Turkey & Swiss you had for lunch. Or they'll subtly mimic picking something out of their teeth, in the hopes that you'll take the hint and do the same. But when it comes to that crusty shit in your eye you get after taking a good long nap, brutal honesty is the best policy. 

Besides, what is "sleep" anyway? I decided to look it up.

According to Wendell the Worm on DiscoveryKids.com, there is no official name for it. "It's just the pasty stuff that appears after the Sandman's stopped by." he says. Thanks, Wendell, but that kind of response raises more questions than it answers. Who in the hell is this Sandman character? What's he doing with all this sand? And why is he leaving "little presents" in the corner of my eyes? Disgusting. But, before I go off on some long-winded tangent, let's get back to this "sleep" stuff.

When you go to sleep at night, all sorts of shit accumulates in your eyes—a combination of sweat, oil, and tears. Mostly tears. And you know what tears are made of? Salt, sugar, ammonia, water, citric acid, and urea. Yep, that's right. Urine. So maybe this post should be titled "Honey You Got Some Shit and Piss in Your Eye."Just saying.

Whatever this shit is, it has a lot of different names. Some people call it sleep. Some call it goop. Some call it gunk or sand. And if there's enough of it, some people even refer to it in the plural: crusties. But why don't we just call it what it really is?

Well, for one reason, it's easier to call attention to something kinda gross if you don't have to point it out directly. You can kind of hint around it. This works especially well if the stricken is someone you're attracted to. And it's much gentler than saying : "Hey baby, you got some shit in the corner of your eye."

The other reason is, most of us learned this language from our parents. And parents have a hard time telling their kids the truth. So they came up with all these cutesy little names for human excretions. I can understand that. It's not exactly nice to tell your six-year-old son that Mr. Sandman took a shit in his tear duct. Funny as hell, but not nice.

Which is why I'm a big fan of brutal honesty. You see something in the corner of my eye? Tell me. I won't tear up. I promise. I can't. Not until I get this shit out.