It's About That Time

It's early in the morning, around 8 o'clock. Make that 7:59. Which means my alarm is set to go off sometime in the next sixty seconds. But that's not going to happen. Because today, my friends, I have the pleasure of telling Father Time to go suck it.

I don't know about you, but getting up a minute or two before my morning alarm sounds is a ridiculously satisfying experience. Sometimes I feel a bit like a superhero—one of those guys who can sense things before they actually happen. Except in my case, the only disaster I'm capable of averting is the hassle of having to reach over and hit the snooze button. To be fair, I'm not sure having a vaguely accurate biological clock even qualifies as a super power. But hey, if Aquaman can get into the Justice League, so can I.

[It's been rumored that the Justice League, in a calculated move to appear more environmentally conscious, inducted Aquaman into their ranks despite his tendency to openly gossip about League members with sea cucumbers.]

When I'm not feeling like a superhero, I like to imagine I'm a bomb detonation expert. Kind of like that guy in The Hurt Locker. Only I'm wearing pajamas instead of an explosive ordinance disposal suit. And I'm not really in any immediate danger other than being rudely awakened. Still, the morning is chock full of drama:

The time is 8:14 AM. That leaves me with exactly one minute to grab my cell phone, flip it open, scroll down the Settings menu, select Tools>Alarm Clock>OK, then hit “Off.” Nothing I can't handle.

Okay, 8:15 is in sight. I'm moving into position. 25 seconds...

Scrolling. Scrolling. 15 seconds. Damn, where is that damn alarm clock? Here we go...

No, not the Tip Calculator. Stupid thumbs!

10 seconds. Alarm Clock>OK. Yes.

5 seconds. Turn On/Off. Scroll. Set.

4 seconds. Off. Ha-ha!

3 seconds...

Alarm should be set to [Off]?
> Yes
> No

FUCK! A follow up question? This guy is good.

2 seconds...

Not this time old man.

And then...

Silence.

Time is now 8:15. IED diffused. No casualties reported.

Sure, alarm clocks are great. But in a world where every tick and tock is measured with beeps, blips, and buzzes, it's nice to wake up on your own once in while. Besides, I'm getting tired of some old fuck poking me in the shoulder with a scythe every morning. That shit hurts.